Let’s recap, shall we? Fruit Loops is a nutty American, with no money, visiting South Africa to study Penguins. Now that we’re all caught up…

After two full visits and an encounter on the way out of town it is clear to us there is something a little off with Ms. Thang. Her stories didn’t add up and she was vague about how she came into her circumstances. The queen suggested we start calling her Fruit Loops as a code so she wouldn’t know we were talking about her, especially if we were out on the patio. That’s because… she’s a sidler!

She’d just appear at the front door. It was weird. Walking up the somewhat steep road to the house is the only way to get there. Plus, the house is full of windows (cuz the view is amazing) but we never saw FL walk around to the front door. Sidler!

We hadn’t seen hide nor hair of her until the day before the queen and I were to leave for the States. Saturday – the day of the tale of woe. Cue the violins…

FL (all exasperated and everything): The people she is bartering with need her room for visiting family. FL will have to find a place to stay for a week! She has no where to go! She has no money! They won’t let her use the phone so she can’t call around for help! She was wondering about staying with GFVicki and GFSuzanne since we were leaving and they have the extra room and if she doesn’t find a place what will she do? What will she do!

A bit about GFVicki – she is a fixer. It is in her nature to help people or animals and take care of them. Vicki is a giver but sometimes you have to be a non-giver. We suspicioned  FL would eventually ask to stay after we left. The hints had been dropping like flies from the first day we met her. We prepared Vicki for this and told her to stand strong. Do not let that woman stay with you, not for even a week. We knew a week would turn into two and possibly more.

GFVicki stood her ground. That’s when FL pulled out all the stops. That’s right. What do people do when they don’t get what they want? They phone up Jesus! Actually, she phoned a friend and asked him to pray for her. Please pray that she would find a place to stay. Please pray because she has no where and no one. What a lovely piece of theater.

By this time, we’re wondering about the real FL story. How did she get to SA with no money? Why did she choose SA and not return to the US, make some money then go to SA? How can you live in Switzerland for 25 years and not be a permanent resident by now? Doesn’t she have any family? It wasn’t adding up.

Upon her departure, GFVicki said she would ask the neighbors if they knew anyone who had a room available. But that’s a story for another day…

Part 5: The tale of woe becomes more desparate.

When we last left our favorite nutty South African loon, she seemed okay. Not nutty at all but a rather studious and reserved older woman who appeared pleasant enough. GFVicki was somewhat taken aback by the fact that her neighbor simply brought FL to the door to introduce her, but perhaps that’s what they do in South Africa, it is a pretty laid back place, after all.

We found out that FL has no way of getting around except to walk. She carries a folding stool everywhere she goes for resting along the way. We also gathered that she charms people into giving her rides here and there. Apparently this is what happened with neighbor, Mr. M. She met him at the grocery store and he ended up giving her a ride.

Upon leaving that very first visit, GFVicki loaned FL a couple books and just asked in passing how she came to be staying with the people down the hill. FL said, “Well, that’s a story for another day.” Ok. Not a problem, right? Sometimes stories can be complex. She left. And she forgot her folding stool (I wish it wasn’t called a ’stool’ I think I’ll call it a seat. Ok that doesn’t sound much better).

In between the first and second FL appearance , we were visited by Manuel, the baboon. The next day we’re driving into town and see FL outside the home where she’s staying, we ask how she’s doing and she says it was a horrible day. Something terrible happened but that’s a story for another day and she wouldn’t go into the details but just to know it was a horrible, scary thing that happened and luckily someone helped her.

SECOND RED FLAG flown —–> In my book of red flags, when you’ve just met someone and they start going on and on about how horrible their experiences are, that’s weird. One must be cautious about such people.

GFVicki told her she left her stool. She said she desperately needed it and would come get it tomorrow.

The next day FL comes a-knocking on the door around 10am. GFVicki tells the baboon tale, FL is all interested and amazed etc. She then asks if she could use the internet and phone. She in the office for a while when we hear her getting a bit irritated and vocal to whoever is on the other end. After a bit of a heated conversation, she walks into the living room, completely exasperated and asks why can’t anyone just answer a simple question these days? Ok, well, I’m on vacay so I dunno.

Then, she suggests calling Baboon Matters about our baboon incident. FL gets on the phone with Dave, the Baboon Matters guy, and tells him the horrible, horrible incident about the baboon getting in the house and how this is important and blah blah. Like she’s the president of baboon incidents in South Africa, or sumthin’. Alright, whatever.

THIRD RED FLAG flown —–> She’s a busybody.

She asks what our plans are for the day. We tell her we’re taking the train – maybe into Cape Town. She goes into a diatribe about how horrid the train is, how nasty and stinky and hot and nasty and stinky and horrid the train is – like riding the subway in New York. Sounds like an adventure to us. Oh no, she gasps, it’s the absolute worst thing you could ever do in your life. Absolute. Worst. Ok, FL, so I gather you don’t like the train.

We drop FL off at her place and Dave of Baboon Matters is waiting. FL and GFVicki get out of the car to talk to Dave. That’s when I make the declaration, “That woman is trouble.”  I got out of the car to move up to the front seat and FL shouts to me in a sarcastic tone, “Elizabeth, I hope you like the train. Make sure you get a seat by the window!” I shout back saying I’m sure the train will be perfectly acceptable to us, we’ll be OK.

THIRD RED FLAG flown —–> She’s a persistent, pain in the ass

Part 3: The Tale of Woe

During our visit to South Africa, in between the beautiful scenery and baboon break-in, a side drama started to unfold. It began with a knock on the door. That’s when neighbor Mr. M brought her to visit. The queen dubbed her ‘Fruit Loops’ and GFVicki is keeping us entertained with official Fruit Loop updates since our departure.

I do not want to reveal her real name for fear she may Google it and find this little tale. Not that it would be a big deal, I suppose, her being half way around the world and all. Still, she is called Fruit Loops for a reason and fruit loopy people are known to do fruit loopy things. But I’ll give you a hint – her name is similar to Joann except replace the ‘Jo’ with -

then add ‘Ann’ to it and you get Fruit Loops’ real name. Lest you think she actually looks like the actor above (women are actors so just get over it), then you think wrong. No, she looks more like older Mary Tyler Moore meets Emily Dickinson at an LL Bean conference where everyone wears big glasses from the 80s -

We had only been in Simon’s Town for two days when Mr. M came knocking on the door to introduce Fruit Loops to “another American in town” – GFVicki. Because she is a gracious person, GFVicki invites FL in for a little chat where we hear about how she is in South Africa because she used to live in Switzerland but because visa rules are changing there she had to leave until she gets the proper documents in order. In retrospect, I’m guessing the Swiss kicked her out and filed her status under ‘Nuttiest Fruit Cake Americans In Swiss History.’

Yet, at the time of her first visit, she seemed like a congenial older woman, claimed she was in SA to do research on African penguins, was staying with a family around the corner in a room they usually rent but the people who live there won’t let her use the phone or internet and… FIRST RED FLAG flown —–> she has no money.

Gotta go. More later.

Why are they called the ‘Big 5′ of Africa? According to our tour guide, Dennis, the big 5 of Africa are considered the hardest animals to hunt. Before our visit, if I had to guess the big 5 I’d probably would have chosen the elephant, and the lion, probably the rhino, maybe the tiger or cheetah but never would I have guessed the Cape buffalo. That’s because before our visit, I never even heard of a cape buffalo. Perhaps watching some Animal Planet would help.

Here you have a butt fugly animal with a flip wig of a horn thing on its head and it is the baddest ass of the Big 5. No joke. The Cape buffalo is one mean mutha of a Big 5er. Dennis the tour guide told us that the one animal the rangers of the game preserve fear most is the cape buffalo. It’s quite volitile and can charge at a moments notice. Plus, it doesn’t have a mock charge like the rhino or elephant. When it charges it means business and that means you be one  dead human unless you have a high powered rifle. In the wild, the Cape buffalo has very few predators and it takes a few lions to bring one down. So, they bad. They nationwide.

Our encounter with the Cape buffalo ended with the big, black bull charging the truck we were on – on the queen’s side. Yes, she was close enough to touch the dreaded Cape buffalo. She didn’t.

The quick-witted individuals born on February 14 are usually masters of the short, ironic and sometimes devastating comment. They have what it takes to make people laugh, but also the capacity to make them think. Abbreviators, they take what others might need an hour to say, roll it into an attractive little bon mot and simply come across with it for all to hear. Lovers of jokes and stories, tellers of sometimes tall tales, and not above practical joking, February 14 people bring their witty outlook to bear on every aspect of life around them. None of this is meant to suggest that February 14 people are somehow superficial. Humor, eloquence and acerbic comments are but a means of expression. It is true that those born on this day do not specialize in taking themselves (or life in general) too seriously, but this in no way reflects on their work. It is more indicative of a philosophical outlook. ~ The Secret Language of Birthdays

21 years ago today a cool quip named Thomas was born. While we are in South Africa, he’s being introduced to the joys of legal adult beverage purchasing on 6th Street in Austin, Texas. Can’t beat that. When we get home, a pub crawl is on the agenda. Until then, happy birthday legal boy. Can’t wait to send you on a beer run.